


If You Love Me, Won't You Let Me Go

by LaCacciatrice



Category: DCU (Comics), Flashpoint (Comics), Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox, The Flash (Comics)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 14:43:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10573404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaCacciatrice/pseuds/LaCacciatrice
Summary: AU where Barry lost his memories before he could find Batman. Instead, he lives a normal life with a job he loves and his mother by his side. He meets Hal, falls in love. Despite the worrying state of the world, he has a good life. But there's a war coming and Speed Force doesn't plan to let the only one who can save the future of the world rest.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time, go easy on me lol  
> Jokes aside, I can't speak English to save my life. I didn't take any lessons or courses, I self studied English in my spare time. So my writing might be blunt and boring with lots of typos and grammar mistakes, I'm sorry. I wasn't planning on writing any Halbarry fics in English because me, my writing and my English need development. But I got this idea and couldn't resist. I am sorry for putting you all through this lol
> 
> PS. This was supposed to be a 30k fic that I stopped writing, so, there are missing scenes.
> 
> Find me @lanthimo on tumblr

Barry tilts his hips to balance his body and the coffee tray he's carrying as he passes through the sea of people. If he was a less patient and understanding guy, he would be throwing six cups of coffee on the ground and telling Singh to go fuck himself. But being the nice guy he is, Barry overlooks Singh working them off the clock or the difference between their work ethics and tries to do his best as a CSI. After all, they are all going through hard times and during this stressful period staying calm and collected is especially important in their line of work. 

The world has always been a fucked up place. Even Barry, sweet Barry who always has hope and sees the best in others, feels like he's been caged in the darkness lately. Every time he feels like this small light in him that's been fueled by hope dying, he hangs on small moments and miracles for dear life. After his father died, Barry went through a time like this. While he was trying to be strong for his mother and himself, he developed a hunger for fighting against that tiny little voice in his head that keeps talking about how dark and cruel the world could be time to time. _If the life isn't fair_ , Barry would say, _then we should be_. This only encouraged him to go into what he does wholeheartedly. Bringing justice to grieving people and lessen their pain to some extent is all he's ever wanted to do. Because there will always be bad people who will try to hurt others. And when they succeed, then it's up to people like Barry to do something about it.  

Some nights are harder than others. The body of a dead girl or her mother's cries in the background haunting him. During nights like this, as he lies down on his bed restlessly, Barry childishly dreams of becoming some kind of hero, to be more. To be someone who can help people faster, better, someone fearless... And once again, during times like this, he feels a tightness in the chest. A  groundless sadness and longing feeling overtake him. He reasons that it must be all the comic books he has read when he was a child. The Flash. He has always been Barry's favorite superhero. But for some unknown reason, they stopped publishing his comics during Barry's high school years. Supposedly, no one finds a guy who can run fast interesting. Except Barry. Most people abandon comics as they grow up. They believe comics contain too many too-good-to-be-true people and that they don't reflect reality. And like an inverse proportion, their creativeness goes down as the digits of their ages get bigger year by year. But Barry? Barry always believed that everyone has a silent hero waiting to be revealed in them. After all, being a hero isn't always about having super powers or doing extremely dangerous things. Sometimes even a single good thing you do make you a hero of someone else's life.

His thoughts are interrupted by slightly hot coffee spilling on his hand that's holding the tray as he tries to regain his balance. He bites his tongue to stop himself from cursing or reflexively dropping six cups of coffee on steps of CCPD. 

"Sorry, dude." The young, hot, brown haired, tall man who almost caused him to drop the tray murmurs. "God, I hate those guys." He throws an annoyed glance at inside of the CCPD building. "I hope you didn't burn yourself." Their eyes meet for a second before stranger looking down at his hand. Dark liquid drops from his hand to stairs slowly. Barry realizes how he hasn't moved in the last 5 minutes and still standing there like an idiot, holding a tray of coffees with his now wet hand. Of course, like a trademark of Barry Allen, his cheeks blush as he clears his throat.  

"No. Umm, yeah, no, I'm okay. You didn't.. Umm, it's okay. Thanks for asking." His voice sounds weak even to himself. He could facepalm if his hand wasn't occupied.   

"Let me help you." Other man says simply and reaches for the tray. "It looks like you burnt your hand but nothing serious.. I think. I'm not a professional though." He says apologetically.  

" It's okay, I heal fast." Barry says automatically and regrets for even thinking something so stupid straight away. 'I heal fast'? What is that even supposed to mean?! It sounds so dumb to his own ears that he wants the ground to swallow him up right there. 

What? Is it your secret super power?" The other man grins at him. "Healing fast? Sounds great to me. I could use a power like this considered how often I get my ass handed to me or find myself in a fight." Oh, so he is a 'bad boy'? Barry wants to roll his eyes. Of course he is a cliché like this. A good looking, cocky Bad Boy. The problem is, for the first time in his entire life, Barry finds it hot.  

Barry looks up at this stranger and as their eyes meet for a brief second, he feels a surge of emotions attack him. It's not a 'love at the first sight' or even lust or passion like in the movies but more like a warmth from the sense of familiarity. It's like something he's been waiting for so long has finally happened. It's like coming back to home after a long tiring day at work. It's been so long since he's felt this peaceful, calm and relaxed. How can a simple pair of brown eyes have this affect on him? Especially someone he's never met before. He is probably an arrogant stupid womanizer anyway. But if he is being honest, this stranger has been nice to him so far. He was polite, he already apologized and even offered to help him.  

"Hey, have we meet before?" Barry's thoughts, for the second time that day, were interrupted by this man. He's eyeing Barry curiously. 

"Umm, no, I don't think so." Barry averts his gaze uncomfortably.  

"By the way, I'm Hal." He makes a move to shake Barry's hand but then remembers his hands being occupied and drops his hand. Instead, he smiles brightly. 

"Barry." 

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Barry." He points at the tray. "Do you need help carrying those?" Barry looks down at the coffees he's forgotten during their encounter. Oh ,great, they're probably gone cold already. How stupid he is today? 

"No, thank you. But, ah, I  gotta go." Barry climbs up stairs as fast as he can and gives Hal  no chance to answe r.

 

 

"Thanks for cold coffee, Allen." Singh takes a sip from the paper coffee cup and grimaces. They were not even that cold but Singh hates everything that doesn't burn his tongue. Barry turns his back to Singh as his eyes wander on the ceiling while waiting for Singh to tell him what a slow, terrible employee he is and that he can't get anything right. His boss draws a sigh like he's given up on Barry long time ago and leaves the brimful coffee cup on his desk. "Forget about the coffee and get back to your work, Golden Boy. Unlike you, we don't have all the time in the world."

Barry goes back to his desk without saying anything, his desk was topped with case files waiting to be solved. Instead of lessening, the amount of files on his desk getting bigger day by day. Central City isn't Gotham maybe but the war between the Amazons and Atlanteans alongside with the tension between governments pushed the world toward crisis and fed the criminals who want to take advantage of every misfortune that happens to human kind. In a dark and grim situation like this, CCPD and their CSIs want to do their best to help people in need. 

"Don't take it personally, Barry." Forrest says, patting Barry on the back as he makes his way to his own desk. 

"I know." Barry answers, taking off his jacket. "Entire department is under pressure after Elongated Man's murdered."  

"Elongated Kid". Forrest corrects him carefully, looking at Barry behind his thick glasses. For some reason, Barry feels uncomfortable under his gaze. It happens sometimes, so what? During last month, Barry was forgetting things here and there. Things that are important like the famous name of the biggest murder case on his desk right now. And sometimes he is acting strange, too. If being known as 'the weird nerd' for years doesn't make them turn a blind eye to his strange behaviours, then it means Barry needs to be more careful with what he says or does.  

"Yeah, Elongated Kid. Sorry, I must be tired." He does feel tired.  

Forrest looks at him funnily for a second before turning back to his papers. 

"Yeah, probably you are." 

 

 

"Hey, Barry." Patty Spivot is standing right next to his desk and looking at him with those piercing blue eyes of hers behind thin framed glasses. "Forrest and others want to go out for dinner, would you like to come?" 

"I'm sorry, Patty." Barry pulls away from microscope and rubs his eyes. "I would like to but I'm taking my mother out for dinner. Today is her birthday." 

"Oh, that's wonderful!" A big smile appears on her heart shaped face. "Say hi to your mother from me. It's been ages since I last saw her." 

"I will. Thank you. You know how much my mother likes you." Barry turns back to his microscope. There was a time when his mother was praying for Barry to marry Patty. But Barry, despite being close friends for years, has never felt that way for Patty. When they were younger and both new to CCPD labs, Patty had a terrible crush on Barry, it was well known and noticed by everyone however as their friendship developed and became something strong and solid, Patty left those feelings behind.  

"I love her, too, you know." She looks down at her watch. "Anyway, I better get my stuff. Forrest is already complaining about his hunger." Patty rolls her eyes and walks away as Barry goes back to his work with a smile on his face. Most people hate their jobs. Barry isn't one of them. He loves his job and where he works. Yes, he would prefer to know that the world doesn't require their job to exist, a place without all these corps and tears. But it's just a wishful thinking. That means Barry has to do everything in his power to make this world a tiny bit more liveable and enjoyable for people. 

After working for another hour, Barry puts together and organize each file until everything is neat and tidy. It's already 7 o'clock and if he doesn't leave now he will be late again. Well, his mother and everybody else who knows him must be used to him being late by now. Barry greets two officers on his way to downstairs. Central City is cold during this time of the year. He doesn’t want to keep his mother waiting. 

"Your new record, Barry. It's been only 10 minutes." Barry turns toward the familiar voice and feels a tug at his heartstrings as the biggest smile lightens up his face. There she is, standing only 5 steps away from him with her grey hair and wrinkles as the signs of knowledge and experience on her still beautiful face. For some reason, Barry feels an unbearable longing feeling. It's been a busy week. He didn't have time to visit let alone call her. Of course his mother always respects and understands what his job requires. Still, sometimes he feels guilty about it, especially after his father's death. He hates feeling like he's abandoning his mother. And despite it being only a week, Barry feels a terrible longing for his mother. Like he has not seen his mother for a very long time.  

People sometimes joke about Barry being a mama's boy. They are probably right. 

"Sorry, mom." Barry wraps his long and strong arms around the petite form of his mother. "I got caught up with work again. But I missed you." 

"I missed you, too, honey." Hearing his mother's voice, those very familiar words from her, made Barry feel better immediately. His mother pats him on the back before drawing back. "Come on, let's go. It's getting cold." 

 

 

Inside of the Italian restaurant they always go since Barry was a little boy is nice and warm compared to cold weather outside. There is a huge contrast between cheerful voices and bright lights of the restaurant and the coldness of the real world right now. This restaurant always feels like safe place to Barry. Maybe it's because nothing's changed since he first came here during his parents' anniversary. They kept coming every year since then. The colourful paintings on the wall and oddly shaped chandeliers that Barry has always found so interesting since he was a kid are all the same.  After his father died, like an unspoken rule, they continued to meet here.   

"I haven't seen you this week." His mother says as she takes a bite of her Piccata alla Milanese. Barry looks at his mother apologetically and takes a sip from his wine.  

"Yes, I am sorry. Singh gave me too many cases." Ocean blue eyes, which are copies of his own, look back at him with kindness.  

"Don't be sorry, honey. I know you are busy. I am actually proud of you. And sometimes I am worried, too. You work too much." 

"You know how things are, mom." Barry says uneasily. He doesn't want to ruin this beautiful night and his mother's birthday by talking about his work and the crisis. 

"You were always like this." His mother points at him with her knife accusingly. "Your father agreed so. Even when you were a little boy, you were a ball of curiosity. You would go around asking lots of questions. 'What's this', 'where is this coming from', 'what does it do'. We both knew you 're very smart. You had intelligence, talent and creativity." 

"Father didn't like the major and job I chose for myself, though." Barry says and shrugs because it has never bothered him. He's always been determined, dedicated and strong-minded. And it's not like his father wasn't completely against it. As most parents do, his father also thought that Barry had more potential than being a simple CSI. Barry, on the other hand, thought he found the perfect job for himself. He always wanted to help people but he didn't believe he would make a good field officer. He's always been good at science and behind the desk jobs were more of his thing. As he told to Manny when they were younger, he's not a hero material.  

"Because he wanted you to become a doctor, just like himself." His mother reaches for her wine glass. "He always wanted you to be the best." 

"And you?" Barry stops cutting his meat and looks up at his mother under his lashes. "What did you want me to be?" 

Nora's lips form a smile full of love and affection. 

"I always only wanted you to be happy." 

For some reason, this answer makes Barry feel unsettled for rest of the night. 

 

 

Barry pulls his scarf up to cover his nose and mouth and shoves his hands into the pockets of his jacket. He always hated winter. He looks up at the snowflakes and wishes he's at home right now. When he was a child, snow meant long vacations, happy holidays and peaceful family gatherings. Most importantly, it meant Christmas. Now it all means annoying cold, endless flu and Forrest who makes silly jokes about his red nose's contrast to his pale skin. Maybe he wasn't good at protecting the child in himself as much as he would like to think. Well, some things change with time and die and you cannot stop that. Change is not always bad. 

As soon as Barry enters the CCPD building, the  warmth  inside slaps him in the face and he takes a long deep breath as he pulls his scarf down. Sudden temperature change causes him to have a runny nose. Barry sniffs, rubbing his hands together to warm up.

"Hey!" He turns toward the familiar voice perplexedly. 

"Umm, hi?" Barry looks at the tall, handsome, dark haired man in front of him. What is Hal doing here again? Clearly he doesn't work here or Captain Frye would kick his ass for dressing up like this. And if he was a criminal, he wouldn't be walking in and out freely. Then why is he here? Most importantly, why is leaning against Debra's desk and grinning at Barry like an idiot. Very cute, very tall, very handsome idiot.  

"Barry, right?" Hal walks toward Barry until there are only 3 steps between them. Barry thinks about his messy hair and red nose and blushes. It seems like this handsome stranger always catches him at his worst.  It is not like Barry pays too much attention to his appearance. Of course he pays attention to what he wears at work but he has never thought he's attractive or even handsome **nor** he did anything to change that. But he doesn't like being crushed by Hal's effortless hotness. "I have been waiting for you." 

"For me?" Barry lifts his eyebrows shockedly, he can't believe his ears. Why was Hal waiting for an unpunctual, messy CSI like him? 

"Yeah." For a second Hal almost looks shy which is pretty shocking itself. "I want to apologize for yesterday. I will be more careful from now on." 

"I told you it's okay. No need to apologize." He shrugs. "So, why were you here yesterday?"  

"Oh, nothing. I had a misunderstanding with your friends." Hal rolls his eyes overdramatically. "What time will you be free?" 

"What?" Barry looks at him open-mouthedly. Is this very handsome, very tall, ver charismatic young man asking him what Barry think it is? He must be dreaming.  

Hal takes this as a rejection for a second and looks at Barry anxiously, right hand rubbing the back of his neck almost embarrassedly.  

"I mean, of course if you want to but I thought we could eat something, you know. As an apology. But if you want, it could be something more but like I said if you--" 

"At 7." Barry interrupts him quickly.  Watching this confident and careless man to lose his cool while talking to him is both funny and flattering. But Barry, as usual, shows mercy to him.  

"Oh, that's great." Hal says, going back to his smirking self. "It's great time for dinner, you know." 

"Yes." Barry says as a soft smile appears on his lips unrestrainedly.  

"So.. I will see you tonight?" Barry looks up at him shyly.  

"Yes. Tonight. Okay." Hal smiles back.  

"Okay."  

 

 

"Did I just see you talking to a handsome guy?" Patty says playfully as soon as Barry enters the lab. Barry doesn't remember how he climbed up the stairs to his lab after talking to Hal and making dinner plans. A thousand thoughts rushed through his head. He doesn't do this kind of things normally. Definitely doesn't say yes to someone he's met once in past 24 hours and only knows his name. He doesn’t date that much anyway. Both women and men. It took him years to realize Daphne Dean's interest. He dated 2 girls and a guy during his college years but all of those relationships were short-lived. It was sad in a way because Barry is the kind of guy who is searching for his soulmate. He's never been desperate to him or her but he thought he would already meet them at this point of his life.  

"What?" 

"The guy with the flight jacket." Patty looks at him like Barry just told her he forgot the periodic table. "Weren't you talking to him just now?" 

"Oh, yes, you mean Hal." 

"Hal? Is this his name? I thought he would had a better name, a pretty face like his definitely deserves one." 

"Like what?" Barry waits for her to answer amusedly. 

"Like... Eddie!"  

"No offence, Patty, but Eddie is a terrible name." Patty watches his every move with a pout on her face.  

"Your name is Bartholomew, I don't think you are in a place to judge others' name." Barry wants to point that they don't know any Eddie so technically he is not judge anyone's name but he keeps this to himself. He doesn't want to give Patty a chance make fun of his name more than normally. It takes him a full minute to notice that Patty is still waiting in front of his desk. He looks up at her questioning eyes. 

"But seriously Barry, he is a hottie and looks like a nice guy, too." Barry tries so hard to not roll his eyes and groan.  

"Come on, Patty. It's just a dinner. It's not like we are getting married or anything." Wrong move. Behind her thin framed glasses, Patty's eyes grow a size bigger and her eyebrows almost touch her hairline, one of her hands flies to her mouth as a giggle escapes. 

"It's a date!" Barry wants to take his words back. He shouldn't have said anything about Hal to Patty.  

"Patty, please, just.. Don't."  

"Okay, okay." Patty lifts her hands backs away from his desk with an innocent expression.  "I won't say anything.. For now. But I need all the details!" 

 

 

It turns out that Hal's idea of a date is eating fast food, making lots of silly jokes and taking a walk during slow snowfall. Barry isn't complaining, not at all. He doesn't know what he was expecting from someone like Hal but this is exceed all his expectations. There is no awkwardness between them. On the contrary, Barry feels like this is the most comfortable he's ever been during a date. And it's a good sign, right? The last thing he wants to do is marking down a date with such a handsome guy as something to be forgotten. But Hal is actually pretty sweet, charming and funny. Everything Barry has ever dreamed of and even more. There is something familiar about Hal that makes Barry feel warm, comfortable and safe. So, as they walk down the street quietly, he lets Hal hold his hand.  

Hal talks about his job as a test pilot and Barry tells him about his job at the lab. Unlike most people, Hal doesn't find his job boring, he actually thinks it's interesting. Barry watches Hal fondly and lets the other man's eyes shine with childish excitement as he talks about all the CSI tv shows he's watched. He laughs at his crazy ideas before explaining how tv shows don't reflect the reality and it's mostly paper works, honestly. Hal still thinks it's cool how Barry can tell so much from a drop of blood and that he can memorize Latin names of every element on the periodic table. Barry shrugs and blushes slightly. Hal laughs at his humbleness and pulls him a bit closer. 

As they walk closer to Barry's house, Hal stops dead in his tracks. The streets are almost empty due to late and snowfall. Hal looks angelic under yellowish streetlight with snowflakes in his hair. He tugs Barry closer by his hand and Barry allows him. Hal looks down at him almost shyly, a soft smile playing on his lips, so different from his usual smirks.  

"Look, umm, I don't want to scare you off but since I bumped into you on the stairs, I just really really want to kiss you but I don't normally go around kissing people I just met. You know, first I make sure they want it, too. But I don't know what to think about you, I can't read you that easily and--" 

"I am." Barry interrupts him quickly and looks away shyly. "I don't mind, I mean, you can if you want to..."  Barry waits for Hal to laugh at him for stuttering like this but when he gathers enough courage to look at Hal's face, he only sees a warm smile and chocolate coloured eyes that hypnotize him. They are so shiny and beautiful under the streetlight that Barry wants to lean forward and see all the different colors and shades in them.  

"Good." Hal says simply and his strong hands cup Barry's face, gently tugging Barry closer. Barry's eyes are half closed as he looks into Hal's darker ones. Hal is only a few inches taller than him but it's enough to make Barry feel small. Hal's hooded eyes find his as he wets his lips. A small sound escapes from Barry's mouth as Hal's soft, pink lips find his own. It's slow and sweet until Hal opens his mouth a bit to tug Barry's lower lip between his. Barry's hands clutch Hal's strong arms desperately like he's trying to regain his balance. This sudden feeling of falling must be due to the snow, he tells himself despite knowing the truth.  

The world is falling apart around them day by day but Barry feels a hope like he's never felt before.  

 

 

He finds himself in the complete darkness, desperately reaching forward to find something to hold onto.  He doesn't remember how or why he came here but he knows something is pulling him forward. Almost calling his name. It is something that he's been missing for a while now. Something that reminds him of warmth. _Home_. Barry can't stop himself from walking forward. He extends his hands forward to make sure he doesn't run into anything.  

" _You're running non-stop..._ " He hears the voice as soon as a blinding yellowish light explodes in front of him. His extended hands are quickly pulled back to shield his eyes from blinding light.  

"What?" His voice sounds strange and alien to himself in this nothingness. And the other voice is very, very familiar.  

" _...because you are afraid..._ " He tries to open his eyes regardless of the light. Because he has to see it. He knows this voice. Hal? It takes him a second to realize that the light doesn't hurt his eyes at all. It does make it hard to see anything but he doesn't feel any pain at all. It feels strange around him, too. But he doesn't fear the light. Deep down, something tells him it belongs to Barry. " _..it will be taken away again_." 

He hears his own voice, too, but he can't concentrate anymore. His mind is slipping away from this.. This memory? This dream? 

The last thing he sees is a mix of green and red.  

Then he wakes up with the worst headache ever.  

 

 

Rest of the day, Barry feels like crap for no reason at all. He must look really bad that Patty and Forrest ask him twice if he is alright. Barry dodges their questions by saying he has a headache. It's not a lie. His head is hurting since he woke up from that bizarre dream. It's actually different than a typical headache. Barry can't stop himself from overthinking his dream and analysing it. Why did he dream of Hal? Why does seeing Hal in his dream make Barry feel so many different things? Why does he feel drawn to Hal? And why does Barry feel like something is terribly wrong? 

His thoughts are interrupted by his phone.  

 _Lunch?_  

Barry smiles at the screen of his phone. Why was he so upset again? 

He is really stressed and tired due to his work lately and that dream threw him off his balance. But one message from Hal and he feels like coming back to reality again, like he's been underwater until now. It's kind of scary to know that someone has this kind of effec **t** over you but this is exactly what Barry needs right now. 

 _Okay_.  

 

 

Barry also learns that Hal doesn't like sushi at all.  "I am more of a burger guy", he told Barry, "You know, food that you can stuff your face with, unhealthy, really grassy, disgusting food that taste fucking awesome". And Barry is okay with that, despite most of his friends calling him 'perfect college boy' for dressing up neatly and eating at Italian restaurants time to time, Barry is actually a 'hoody and burger' type of guy, too. So, he sits there and watch Hal shove a handful of fries into his mouth with a stupid smile plastered on his face. This is good, too. It feels so familiar, like he's back to something he's been missing for years. It feels comfortable and real unlike other memories he's had in a very long time. This should be unsettling but somehow, it's not. 

Still, being the perfectionist and 'think everything through 5 times' kind of person, Barry can't stop thinking about where he is standing with Hal. Are they friends? Friends who shared a freaking awesome kiss. Or maybe they are just flirting? Are they even dating? Hal didn't say anything about the kiss or their 'date'. When their kiss ended (too soon for Barry's liking), Hal smiled at him softly, brushing blond strands that got too long due to busy month at work away from his eyes and said good-night. That's all. He didn't try to get himself invited into Barry's house. And Barry wonders what Hal thinks about this... whatever it's going on between them. So he asks him, in a fast food restaurant with little dirty spots on their table and ketchup smeared on Hal's lips. It's so unromantic but it feels right. Like, it has always been the way their relationship was going. 

"What are we?"Regardless of how he feels, his voice sounds strong and confident to himself. 

Hal looks up at him behind his burger, looking like Citizen Cold has just frozen him with his cold gun. A drop of ketchup drips on his tray from his burger. He looks at Barry with question marks in his eyes. 

"We are whatever you want us to be." He says like it's the most obvious thing in the world. Barry eyes him for a second, to make sure he gets what it means and that Hal is serious about this. Because Barry wants so many things. Things that even he cannot name. He wants them to hold hands during cold days, taking long walks and sharing sweet kisses then going back to his house and cuddling and maybe having sex. And he wonders if Hal is willing to give all these to Barry.  

Something in Hal's eyes is so strong, so real, so honest that Barry feels his heart tighten. And for a second, just a brief second, he thinks about his life and wants to cry because this is all he's ever wanted and despite having it all, in that moment it feels like a dream, a dream that cannot be and a dream that will be taken away from him. And Barry doesn't understand why he feels all those strong emotions because honestly this is his life and it's real and no one can take this away from him.. Right? 

He wants to say a lot of things to Hal. Explain this strange feeling in his chest, tell him about his dreams and how he is afraid of losing everything and how sometimes while he is walking down the streets or doing grocery shopping he feels like an alien out of nowhere. How all those people around him feel like slowing down and Barry gets this cold feeling, like something is wrong. But  these are things  that he can't explain, at least not now. So he just smiles at Hal because this is okay. What they share at that moment, it's great.  

"Okay."  

 

 

He dreams again. H e can't be sure what's triggering all these dreams lately. Is it stress or spending so much time with Hal? Because Hal is always there, in those dreams. He is not always the focal point of his dreams but nonetheless he's there. Sometimes Barry feels relieved by his presence in the dreams. Sometimes  he is afraid like Hal will slip through his fingers. 

Then one night, he dreams about his own death. His body burns inside with the flowing energy, his legs are tired and his heart is beating faster than ever. He feels a surge of determination as his existence fades away. The pain lasts for a million years. For a brief second, he sees something horrible behind the darkness and the light. A terrifying monster. An evil that can destroy everything he's ever loved and the entire world.  

He wakes up covered in sweat. It takes him a long minute to realize that the wetness on his face isn't from sweat but tears. The room is slightly lightened by the moon and it sickens Barry from deep inside but he's paralyzed after such a horrible, nightmarish dream that he can't reach for the light. He can't move at all. He feels a terrible gut-wrenching need to call his mother, to hear her voice. But the clock reads 04:33 am and swallows down his desperation to hear his mother's soothing voice. Instead, he buries his face into the pillow and bites it to stop himself from sobbing loudly. Too tired to stay awake, too scared to go back to sleep.  

And he wonders.. Why did it feel so real? 

 

 

"You read comics?" Barry looks at Hal who enters his bedroom with Flash comics in one hand and steaming coffee in other hand. In the last 3 weeks their relationship made lots of progress. Barry was both impressed and shocked by their effortless balance. Everything was so easy with them. When they are together, it feels so natural. Being the romantic person he is, Barry could almost call it 'fate' that brought them together. 

Maybe it was. 

He doesn't know how he feels about Hal holding one of his comics, though. His ex girlfriends made fun of him for reading comics in college. 'Aren't you a bit old for this kind of things', they would say. And then there are people finding this funny because Barry is a CSI. He sees the worst side of humankind every day of his life and still reads about selfless heroes and saint-like characters. Barry doesn't get what is so funny about it. To him, this actually makes so much sense. He needs something to ground him, something to make him believe that there can be people like this.  

"Yeah, umm, sometimes I do." He gives a short answer and goes back to his work. Hal puts his mug on Barry's nightstand, pushing file papers Barry spread all around his bed carefully to make a room for himself and drops his body on Barry's fluffy blue duvet. Hal really loves Barry's house. It's always so clean and neat. Unlike Hal's messy one. While Barry is reading long-ass reports on his laptop, Hal leans against his headboard and leafsthrough the comic.  

"You know, this is a terrible outfit for a superhero." Hal comments after a couple of minutes of silence. Barry makes a 'hmm' sound without taking his eyes away from his laptop. Barry goes through reports, rests his elbow on his knee and leans his chin against his hand. Snow is reflecting the sun light, making everything look brighter, whiter. Hal watches Barry under behind old comic issue for a second, thinking this moment couldn't be better than this.  

"I mean, come on. A superhero must wear something cooler." 

"Like what?" Barry asks indifferently. 

"Like.. I don't know. I actually like the shirt and the helmet is really awesome but I would change those pants with... Red spandex." Hal grins at him like he's found the answer to a million dollar question. Barry freezes for a second and stares at Hal, who is enjoying the comic book way too much to notice Barry's change of mood, like he is seeing this man for the first time in his life.  Why did he say that? Of course, Flash's costume isn't like the other superheroes, he is not wearing spandex or his underwear on his costume. But he looks cool, old and invincible if you ask Barry. He likes everything about the Flash. For some reason, since his childhood, he was drawn to this superhero more than others. And despite Golden Age characters not having much character development, Barry still feels like he would make a great father figure.  

His own thoughts disturb him more than what Hal said for some reason and he feels like there isn't enough oxygen in the room suddenly. He pushes his laptop away and forces a smile.  

"Let's go to eat something. I'm starving." 

 

 

Another thing Barry learns about Hal is that he is not a big jazz fan. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to bring Hal to listen one of his favourite artists in Central City because during the entire dinner, Hal played Hitman on Barry's phone since he forgot to charge his own. Barry rolls his eyes, shoving a few fries in his mouth. He offered to go to another place but Hal declined the offer by saying it's no problem so why should Barry not enjoy the good music? 

Hal gets bored of the game after an hour and decides to go through twitter feed. 

"Oh God." Hal says suddenly, looking at the screen of Barry's phone moon-eyed. When he sees the look on Hal's face, Barry starts feeling nauseated. Something terrible happened. The contrast between lights of the restaurant and his phone's pale blue light is too similar to the one between the real world and the fake happy one they created for themselves in Barry's not-so-big house.  

"What? What happened?" Barry asks anxiously. After all, Barry's never been one to turn a blind eye to the problems of this world and continue his life like nothing's wrong.  

"Batman killed Yo-Yo." Hal says quietly. "I mean, news only mention her being dead but come on, falling from a 30-storey building? We all know the truth." Hal seems pissed off. Yo-Yo or Joker aren't normal people. They are both crazy as fuck. Above all, they hurt so many people. But still, killing someone in cold blood, throwing them from the top of a building is scary and inhuman. And some people call this Bat a good guy? It's really sad to see what or who people are ready to trust in desperate situations. "That man is totally nuts. Let's hope if he has any kids, none of them are as crazy as he is." 

Barry doesn't answer. His index finger draws meaningless patterns on his wine glass thoughtfully. He feels sick. Hal notices his quietness a bit too late and looks at him apologetically.  

"I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Tonight was supposed to be fun." He reaches for his wine glass. "Cheers. To us." 

"To us." Barry says quietly. He can't get this ugly feeling out of his chest for the rest of the night. 

 

 

Hal, of course, notices his clear change in mood. When they get back at Barry's home, he does everything in power to make Barry forget the bad news. Hal is always a passionate lover, especially in bed. But no matter how close he holds him, no matter how good he fucks him, there is this coldness in Barry's chest that doesn't go away.  

After an hour, Hal plants sweet and lazy kisses to his neck as they spread on Barry's bed, sweat covered and tired. Barry is gets lost in his thoughts, eyes focused on the ceiling like he can find the answers there despite not knowing the questions in the first place. He wants to close his eyes and enjoy Hal's warmth while slowly dozing off but his brain is working non-stop and he can't even appreciate Hal's presence on top of him.  

"What is wrong?" Hal's voice is rich, deep but sweet. It's like he is afraid of being loud, afraid that he will ruin this moment or scare Barry off. He doesn't know that he is the only thing that keeps Barry in this moment.  

Barry bites his lower lip, he tries to think of a way to verbalize his fears and problems.  

"Do you ever feel like you don't belong where you are? Like, there are other worlds, other places, other dimensions that is waiting for you but you are stuck here."  When Hal pulls away a bit and looks down at Barry, he doesn't smile as Barry expected. Hal looks dead serious and it's enough to make Barry feel bad for ruining the moment so he shakes his head and forces a smile. "Sorry, it's silly. I don't know why I said that." But Hal uses his legs to balance himself before cupping Barry's face with his strong hands.  

"Is everything alright, Barry? Is this about us or something else?" Barry averts his gaze uncomfortably, looking at the shadows made by faint moonlight coming through the window and frowns. 

"I'm not sure. I am having these.. Crazy dreams." He says which only makes Hal looks more worried. His left thumb caresses the skin under his eye softly. Barry turns his shining blue eyes to Hal's darker ones and looks at him like he is begging Hal to understand. "I don't know what they mean. I didn't care at first but I keep seeing them and they feel.. So real." Hal nods to show he is still listening, Barry sighs but continues. "I see you, too. But not like this." 

"Like what?" 

"You are.. We are different. I can't tell in which way but we are." When Barry's voice wavers Hal leans forward to press a soft kiss on his forehead. Barry's eyes flutter shut and he lets himself feel safe and warm in Hal's arms. "I just feel like.. I am going to lose everything. You, my mother, my job, my life. Everything that makes me happy." Barry whispers back and Hal's left hand goes to his soft blond strands, burying his nose to Barry's neck. Barry feels his eyes burning with tears, too afraid to blink. Because if he blinks, if he cries, it will only make this moment more real. "I don't want to lose you." 

Hal turns his head and kisses Barry's temple, his lips stay there as he whispers "You won't" like he is trying to make them both believe. Oh, how Barry wants to believe him. Hal probably thinks it's upcoming war but deep down Barry knows the source of his fears is something else. "You deserve to be happy, Barry." And the way he says these words, the tone of his voice.. It's so clear that Hal also wants to believe what he just said, it only makes Barry want to cry more. Because he doesn't believe this like Hal does. For some reason, he feels like he is cheating, he feels like he did something terribly wrong and his happiness will come to an end soon because he deserves a punishment. Really it's all so stupid and meaningless but Barry has never felt more scared in his entire life.   

"I am here. No matter what happens. I am here with you." Hal whispers in the darkness and Barry believes him. Even for a brief second, every fear, every nightmare, every discomfort fades away and Barry wraps his arms around Hal tighter, pulling him even closer. Here, in Barry's dark bedroom, it feels like nothing can reach them. 

 

 

Barry wakes up to sound of Hal taking a shower. He stays in the bed for a couple of minutes, watching the wall without thinking anything in particular and enjoying the peaceful morning. Their relationship is getting stronger each day, Barry almost can't imagine his life without Hal now. This alone is enough to  sooth e the fears inside of him.

Barry stretches out on the cool sheet beneath his body before getting off the bed lazily. He gathers Hal's clothes all over his body bedroom floor without complaining. When he gets to his father's jacket, he lifts it from the floor with careful touches as a piece of paper falls from his left pocket. Barry hangs Hal's jacket on the back of a chair and picks up the paper. When he's about to put it back to his pocket, he sees his own name on the paper. _To Barry_. 

Barry walks into the living room, frowning at the letter in his hands while sitting on the couch. What surprises him the most is that the letter is clearly folded very carefully. It is, indeed, very surprising for someone like Hal. This is the man who loses his everything, forgets where he put his stuff and you can find 3 months old candy wraps in his pockets. Seriously, sometimes he makes Barry feel OCD. 

Barry is undecided about opening the letter or not. Technically this belongs to Hal. And knows better than sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. But seeing his name written on it sparks his curiosity. Why would Hal carry a letter that's written to Barry in his pocket?  

In the end, his curiosity wins.

 

 

Hal wraps a towel around his hips and uses another one to dry his hair as he walks toward the living room where he left the TV on without caring about how his wet footsteps will drive Barry crazy again. Hal grins when he sees the half open door of the bedroom which means Barry is awake. 

"You are awake and you didn't join me in the shower? I am disappointed in you for wasting water--" Hal's face falls as soon as he enters the room and sees Barry's state. His hand falls back down by his side and looks at Barry's shocked and hurt face worriedly. His eyes find the piece of paper Barry's holding in his shaky hands and curses himself. He should have been more careful.  

"You were... you were going to leave without telling me?" Barry's big ocean coloured eyes look back at him. His voice sounds so broken so hurt that Hal can almost feel his heart skipping a beat.  

Hal drops on his knees quickly, taking the letter from Barry's hands and putting it on the coffee table before pulling Barry's pale hands into his and looking up into Barry's bright eyes pleadingly. Barry wants to push him away or pull him into his arms tightly. At this point, he doesn't know what he wants.  

"No, God, no. I just.. I am not good with words and if I don't... if it goes wrong, I don't want to regret not telling you." It's almost hard to understand him at the speed he is talking. He looks almost desperate and scared. Scared of losing Barry. 

Barry looks down at their hands and closes his long pale fingers around Hal's.  

"I know." Barry whispers back. Because he can't be mad at Hal, god, no. Not when Hal is being the hero and going to a suicide mission to save them all. Even if it makes his heart cold as an ice, even if it kills him inside, he can't be mad at him and he shouldn't show Hal his broken heart because Hal doesn't deserve this burden. He doesn't deserve Barry's pain, too. He deserves to be appreciated, he deserves to be praised for his bravery, his street smartness, his heart. Because no matter how careless and indifferent he acts, Hal _doe_ _s_ care. Hal cares so much that he is ready to die. And all Barry wants to do is stand by his side and help him. To protect him.  

"I will come back to you, if I can." Hal adds after a moment of silence. He brings Barry's hands to his lips and presses soft kisses to each knuckle as he looks up at Barry like sealing a promise.  

"I thought about saying this. The right moment, I mean. But there is no better moment than this." His hands cup Barry's pale face and his chocolate brown eyes look deep into Barry's beautiful blue ones. They are softer than summer sky and sadder than waves on a rainy day. "I love you, Barry Allen."  

Barry's long, pale fingers are wrapped around Hal's strong wrists as he wants to hold him down forever. Here, with him. But he knows, deep down he knows, that Hal was always meant to be more. And Barry loves him too much to clip his wings to keep him down. Because from the first day of his life, Hal was always meant to fly.   

Instead, he pulls Hal closer desperately as their lips meet.   

He doesn't say it back. But there is no need to. Hal can feel everything Barry wants to say through the kiss. 

 

He can't shake the feeling of that something is coming to an end.

 

 

The next time he goes to visit his mother, he feels like a stranger in his old childhood house. Nora makes coffee and gives him a slice of blueberry pie. His favourite. But his mind is too occupied to appreciate his mother's homemade pie.  He can't help but look at her like he's seeing her the first time. There is something strange about everything that's happening to him lately. Like he is living someone else's life. And he tries so hard remember. He is not sure why he thinks he forgot something but he definitely feels like he forgot something big, something important.  

"You look different." His mother says after an hour of talking about his work, his mother's neighbours and daily things. Barry looks at his mother surprisedly, her words came out of nowhere.  

"Like what?" Barry asks in a curious manner. He feels worn out, tired and confused lately and Patty asks him if he's okay every two days but he hoped his mother wouldn't realize anything. However, not every change is a bad one. On the other hand, he feels lighter than before. Thanks to Hal's presence in his life. 

"You seem tired but happier." Her face softens. "You haven't been yourself lately." Barry averts his gaze ashamedly. She did notice. Of course she did. It's his mother after all. 

"Yeah, sorry about that." He wraps his hands around the hot coffee mug to warm up his cold heart.  

"Are you seeing someone?"  

"Umm, I.." Barry doesn't know what to say. Of course he's not ashamed and he won't hide his relationship with Hal from his mother but the thing is, his mother still doesn't know he is bisexual. He has never had a serious relationship, not like this, thus he's never mentioned his preferences to his mother. Until now. 

"Who is she? Patty?" 

"No, mom." He takes a deep breath before explaining. " _He_ is someone I met at work." He can almost hear his mother counting the names of co-workers in her head and adds quickly. "But we don't work together. He was there and.. Well.. Yeah." 

"I understand." Nora says simply after a moment of silence and takes a sip from her warm tea. Barry looks at her confusedly, didn't she hear what he said? It's not like Barry was expecting her mother to judge him. His mother is a sweet woman who always supports her son and loves him unconditionally. But Barry was expecting her to ask some questions at least. Questions like 'since when' or 'why didn't you tell me before'.  

"So, are you surprised? About.. You know." 

"About you being gay?" Nora rolls her eyes when Barry nods. "Come on, Barry. You know I don't mind. I love you and you can love whoever you want. And to be honest, I'm relieved." When Barry lifts his eyebrows questioningly, Nora sighs and looks at her cup of tea thoughtfully. "I didn't tell you but I was worried. You were so focused on your studies and it's good but I didn't want you to waste your teenage years. I didn't want you to be locked up in a room while all other kids were having fun and living their lives." 

"Mom--" His mother has always supported him and motivated him but most importantly, she was always there for him. She loved him unconditionally and unlike some parents, she was never afraid of showing her love. Barry couldn't ask for a better childhood.  And his mother must know this. If Barry can go back in time, he wouldn't change anything. He has everything he's ever wanted. He wants his mother to know, to tell her but she acts before he can say anything else.  

"I am glad you found someone who can keep you grounded, who can remind you to take your time when you get lost in work time to time. I'm glad you know what it feels like now." Nora reaches forward and takes Barry's hand in hers. "To love and to be loved. To be appreciated. Because this is how life should be." Barry feels crushed under her mother's words, the meaning behind is so real and so intense that Barry can't breath for a second. "You have to take a moment, to appreciate everything you have. To enjoy." Nora's eyes are filled with love and affection, Barry can see pride and happiness in them. "I was worried you would get so caught up in trying to do the right thing that you would forget to live your life. What you do is great, Barry, giving justice to people who has got offered none by life. But don't forget that, you matter, too. Don't, even for a second, think that your happiness and life matter less than someone else's."  

"Mom.." Barry wants to say so many things but the words got stuck in his throat. His mother raises a hand to silence him. 

"Don't say anything." Her hand grabs Barry's tighter. "All I want to know is.. Are you happy? Are you truly happy?" 

"I am." Barry swallows down the bitter taste on his tongue and puts a smile on his face. Because no matter what kind of unexpected guilt or sadness he feels right now, he is still telling the truth. His mother feels the truth in his words, too. She smiles back. 

"It's all good, then." 

 

 

Things go back to normal for a while after that. Every time Barry reads or watches something about Amazons and Atlanteans, he feels sick. Barry tries not to think about people who can take Hal away from him. He doesn't want to think about what Hal is going to do soon. He doesn't like to think about their days together being numbered.  

His nightmares are getting worse lately but Barry believes it's due to Hal leaving soon. Because no matter how hard he tries to hide, he is worried. And he's scared. Scared of losing him.  

His dreams are both dark and blindingly light. Sometimes he dreams of dark rooms, whispers in alien languages, friendly touches and determination. Other times he's connected to something bigger, something stronger. Something that's brighter than he's ever seen. He feels a tug at his heart then. This thing, whatever it is, calling him, pulling Barry to himself and it's a scary thought.  

Sometimes he's tortured, sometimes he's praised and other times he's humbled by love and affection. Seriously, it's all so bizarre that Barry keeps waking up tired every morning.  

Maybe he's just losing his mind.  

 

 

2 weeks later, Barry works until 11 pm, there are 2 dead boys around 15 years old and it's haunting every step Barry takes. When he gets back home, he's exhausted beyond words. He hears the faint sound of the TV coming from his living room. They never talked about living together, it's still too early for a normal relationship but since Barry learned about Hal's mission, Hal started to live in his house with an unspoken agreement.  

Barry takes off his jacket as he walks into the room. Hal's kept the lights off, Barry pauses in the doorway and admires Hal's beautiful profile and his messy brown hair in the faint light of the TV. Hal feels his gaze on him and turns his head toward the door, smiling as soon as he sees Barry's worn out figure.  

"Hi there." Barry smiles back tiredly and hangs his jacket on the back of a chair, collapsing next to Hal on the couch and laying his head on his legs. Hal's left hand unconsciously goes to Barry's soft blond hair and starts playing with strands unhurriedly. Barry's half closed eyes turn to TV, a show about superheroes playing.  

"The deal with Green Arrow Industries is done." Hal says softly, ending the peaceful silence that lasted for only a couple of minutes. "I will be leaving on Thursday." Two days. Only two days left. Realization feels like a punch to the stomach. Still, Barry shows no reaction. Except closing his eyes tightly and grabbing Hal's thigh a bit tighter. Hal caresses his neck soothingly. "I am sorry." Hal says gently. He is not sorry for taking the mission, he is not sorry about what he is going to do. But he is sorry for breaking Barry's heart, making him upset. He is sorry for causing him pain.   

Barry forces his tired body to get up and face Hal. His blue eyes look a different shade under the pale lights coming from the TV. Still gorgeous, if you ask Hal. Always gorgeous.  

"Don't be." His voice has a strength that Barry doesn't feel himself. His left hand reaches forward to grab Hal's arm like physical contact will make his words stronger, more real. "You're doing what you believe is the right thing. And I believe in you. I believe that you will fly back home to me." Hal's face brightens with a soft smile. God, Barry loves him. He loves him so much that it hurts to look at his perfect face. "You're a hero after all. My hero."  

"You are a hero, too, Barry." He snorts at Hal's words.  

"Yeah, right. I'm a 'lab rat' at best." Hal catches Barry's hands in his own and pulls him to his chest, smiling down at him as the blond man looks up at him with big sapphire eyes.  

"No, really. You're my favourite kind of hero. You are full of love and hope. You try your damn best to help people. You work with all those assholes who just want to close a case and get over with it, only to bring justice to people. You give so much. You don't even realize how important you are to some people. You give them some peace so they can sleep better at night knowing that there are people willing to do everything to catch the bad guys." Hal's smile turns to a shy one after pouring his heart into words. Barry wraps his arms around Hal's shoulders, pulling him down, toward his face.  

"God, you are amazing." He whispers against Hal's lips.  

"I know." Hal says, kissing Barry's soft lips to silence his murmurs.

 

 

2 hours after going to bed, wrapped around each other like never want to let go, Barry wakes up covered in sweat. With shaky hands, he pushes Hal's arms away from his body and sits up. Hal must be dead to the world because in his current state, Barry doesn't think about being extra careful to not to wake him up like he usually does. He tries to calm himself with deep breaths. He can't remember what he dreamed of this time. Maybe he didn't dream at all. He woke up to feeling of someone pulling his strings. It isn't as strong as before but the feeling is still there. He looks around desperately, not knowing what to do. In the end, he reaches down to grab his shoes. He needs to do something. He needs to find something. He doesn't know what is going on but he feels like he will drown if he stays in this room for another second. 

He only starts to think clearly when he gets out of the building and cold air hits his face, waking him up completely. He shivers since he is only wearing knee length shorts and a sweatshirt. But he doesn't in a mood to feel the cold. There is a fire inside him, a sudden burst of energy that takes his breath away. He walks down the streets without knowing or wondering where he is going. The only thing he knows and keeps repeating in his head that he will be late if he doesn't hurry up. Will be late for what? He doesn't know that part. Streets are covered with heavy layers of snow, not a footprint to be seen. Snow reflects the streetlights and making everything look brighter. It's really beautiful, only if Barry could take his time to appreciate it.  

He stops dead in his tracks then, standing in the middle of a driveway. Sudden realization hits him like a bucket of cold water. He is so close to CCPD building. Only a 3 minutes walk away from there. He feels drawn to his work place for some reason. Like this building has a bigger and deeper meaning to his life than just being his workplace. But he stands there, waiting for god knows what.  

He doesn't know what he was waiting for, but a sudden burst of yellowish energy wasn't it clearly.  

It looks and feels just like in his dreams. 

As a reflex, Barry throws up his arms to shield his eyes from the burst of light. When he tries to step away from it, he slips, falling on his ass. That's when he realizes that, just like in his dreams, this light, whatever it is, doesn't hurt his eyes. And that there is someone standing inside. A silhouette. 

 With this information, Barry comes to his senses. This is not a dream. This is real. And there is something, someone in there. Barry tries to get away from it, arms pushing snow away desperately. This silhouette is definitely a human and one of it's arm reaching forward, towards Barry. This causes Barry to lay paralyzed in the snow, waiting for his fate to catch up with him. He should have stayed in the bed with Hal. Why did he even trust his instincts? It was a terrible idea.  

His mental breakdown takes a break when he sees that the silhouette is just a kid. He is actually a kid? Barry finds it hard to guess his name but it's definitely a young boy. 

"Thank God, Barry, I found you!" The kid says finally. Barry looks at his strange outfit and relieved smile and frowns. This is such a bizarre situation that Barry doesn't know what to do. This kid doesn't look like a threat and he actually looks relieved to see Barry. Above all, he knows Barry's name.  

"I.. What? Who—Who are you?" The smile on kid's face falters but he still takes another step closer to Barry.  

"So you don't remember. It means I am already late." Sadness lasts only a second and quickly replaced by determination. "But that doesn't mean you should be late, too. There is still time." He says this more to himself than Barry, who looks at him confusedly.  

"Do I know you?" 

"It doesn't matter now." There is a shadow of sadness there, between his words, but he covers it with a big smile filled with hope. "Where I came from, you are a hero, Barry." Barry looks shocked by this unexpected choice of words. "And you can be one here, too. You gotta save the world once again." 

"I- I don't understand." Barry wants to get back as the boy reaches forward with his left hand once again.  

"I know what I have to do. And you will, too." Then he softly touches his forehead. 

A sudden burst of energy flows through his body to Barry's, blinding his every sense with pain. The boy's body faded away as soon as his hand touched Barry but Barry is in no position to notice his absence. He falls backwards and groans, the cold soothing the pain slightly. There is an indescribable energy flowing through his veins. He throws his head back and grits his teeth, taking deep breaths through his nose.  

And all of a sudden, everything goes back to normal. 

Everything. 

Speed Force fills his veins, cackling around his body like its happy to be back home, like it was longing for Barry all this time. He doesn't move, only lay there in the snow while silent tears rolling down his face but he isn't even aware of them. 

Everything is back.  

His past, his powers, his memories.  

He remembers the original timeline. He remembers his life back there. He remembers his mother's death, marrying to Iris West, founding Justice League, dying. Thawne, Anti-Monitor, Darkseid...  

He remembers everything and he wishes he doesn't because it hurts so bad.   

 _You_ _are_ _a_ _hero_ _Barry_.  

Then why does he feel like a villain now? 

He doesn't know how much time passed, his body is burning with the new found energy, begging to move. But despite being one with the Speed Force again, Barry can't move. He feels so tired.  

Everything he's known in this world was a lie. Everything he loved and believed in was an illusion. A small world he created for himself. A place where he was safe and happy for a short time. Barry grits his teeth angrily to stop himself from sobbing like a little kid, closing his eyes tightly as tears keep coming down like waterfalls. God, it hurts. It hurts so bad. To know that it's all his fault. To feel his mother's death all over again. To know this Hal isn't his to have. Because his Hal would never look at him that way. And then there is the guilt that is eating him inside. He did this to world. He was _so_ selfish.    

 _You deserve to be happy, Barry_. 

It's so unfair. He just wanted one thing for himself. Just one thing. After giving his everything, even his life, to people, to this world, why can't he just have this one thing? Why is life so cruel? In the end it doesn't matter if you are good person or bad. We all lose to life.   

So, maybe, Barry fucked up. But think about losing so much then having all those powers, holding time in your hands like its your play-thing. It's too tempting to write every terrible thing that's ever happened all over again. Too tempting to change your life and make it so much better. He didn't mean to cause this. He didn't mean to hurt anyone.   

God. Bart. Where did he go? What happened to him?   

Why are all these people paying the price of Barry's mistakes?  

With shaky arms, Barry forces himself to sit.  

The worst part is, they are all going to forget what happened, they are all going to live free of this pain. But Barry will remember. He will remember every second of a life that's not his but could be easily. He will remember what he is going to do, what he is going to lose.   

He will live with this pain forever.  

Maybe this is his punishment for fucking up like this. 

While his legs still feel like jelly, Barry gets up. He finally starts to feel the cold. His legs and hands are red and numb due to snow. Barry rubs his ice-cold hands against his messy face, pushing hair away and wiping off tears. He feels sick at stomach. He wants to sit down again. But he has to stay on his feet, he has to move forward. He has to do something to change the future. He can't let this world go into a war. He can't let his friends destroy each other. He can't let Hal sacrifice himself because of Barry's mistakes. 

So he does what he does the best.  

He runs.   

Somewhere in this timeline, his mother is sleeping peacefully. Hal is reaching other side of the bed only to find it empty. And Barry running away from his own happiness to save everyone else's. 

After all, what makes a hero is not their powers but the decisions they make and how much they sacrifice, how far they are willing to go to save us. 

And Barry Allen, despite everything, is and always will be a hero.   

**Author's Note:**

> 1-) The first dream was from [here](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/fa/52/ed/fa52ed5affea9f368e83b7efef093714.jpg), it was a memory.  
> 2-) I don't know when is Nora birthday. I remember it being during fall in Flashpoint Paradox movie. And when I googled it, I saw that according to show it's March but I avoid anything related to show lol and in this story it's around November.  
> 3-) As much as I can remember, in Flashpoint comics, Henry is dead. So is he in this story,by natural causes of course. And Nora never fell in love with Darryl like in N52 or asked for a divorce.  
> 4-) Batman doesn't kill Yo-Yo in comics or animated movie. I mean, yeah, he tries to but Cyborg saves her. I changed that part. Also, yes, that part where Hal mentioned Thomas' kids was a reference to hatred between Hal and Bruce, sue me.  
> 5-) Maybe one day I will share Hal's letter, I removed that part before posting this fic here.  
> 6-) About last part, it's the Speed Force, I don't have to explain anything! But really, I LOVE Speed Force. And I like to think that Barry has a special connection to it, that's why it's always drawn to him, even when he is technically not a speedster.
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it (and please don't hate me for this mess lol)


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